Peek-A-Boo!

Ugh, we've had internet issues for about 10 days now. So finally, here is the promised video of Jonathan on Christmas Day. (I know, I know, it's February already!) He got several presents on Christmas Day, but his favorite thing was the box that Grandma Coral sent from America -- minus it's contents! Here he's enjoying a Peek-A-Boo game with his daddy.



It's been almost 3 weeks since the miscarriage. We are still disappointed, but able to move forward now with a new scar. We've received a lot of support and encouragement from all of you and from the expat community here. Thank you -- it helps so much, more than you know.

Sad news

We had a miscarriage Tuesday morning and I am no longer pregnant.

It started Sunday. We thought it was just spotting that would stop on its own. By Monday the symptoms were progressing. We went to the local obstetric hospital and had an ultrasound. The doctor told us the gestational sac was too small, not shaped correctly. He didn't see a heartbeat. He followed that up by saying "We'll wait a week or two, see what happens. It could still be alright" We were dubious of his skills, but none-the-less concerned because the bleeding was continuing. We decided to wait it out at home. It started around 1 am and was basically over by 6 am.

So how are we feeling? Truly, we are coping and feel cared for by our Father in heaven ...but we have a lot of conflicting emotions. I feel free to share some of them.

Disappointed but not devastated: We feel so sad. We really wanted this baby and rejoiced in the miracle of new life, so delighted to conceive again. We cherished it for 11 weeks, praying for it and starting to make tentative plans. We were thinking of names -- had a certain girl name picked out and a possible boy name. Was it a waste of time? The first trimester of pregnancy is so aggravating! The mommy doesn't look pregnant or physically feel the baby's presence, yet so many things she does can cause problems. I'm so careful, avoiding coffee, chemicals, microwaves, etc, etc. Was all that for naught? At the same time, although this disappointment is big, we don't feel the same complete devastation as when we lost our infant daughter Bethany.

Grateful the process went quickly: We are so grateful that nature took its course and no medical intervention was required. I also am personally grateful because the 1 am - 6 am time frame was probably the best possible scenario, given the circumstances. I didn't need an audience. Jonathan was sleeping and didn't require my constant attention. Dave was there to support me.

I'm not pregnant anymore? It's an adjustment. We have some friends who are leaving to go back to the states. We went to their house to say good-bye this evening, and they offered me a nursing pillow to use for the new baby. I actually took the pillow and thanked them before I remembered that ...I'm not pregnant anymore.

What if we had known ahead of time? As far as the big picture, I'm having some cosmic thoughts. When Dave and I started dating, would we have moved forward if we'd known we would lose Bethany and now this baby too? What about the unknown but certain losses that await us in the future? How gracious is God that He reveals His plan for us one small step at a time? Before we lost Bethany, I didn't really know how painful life can be. I didn't understand how the majority of people in the world walk around with painful burdens of loss. Now I understand a little more. While it doesn't seem fair that we've lost two children, I know there are many who have lost much more.

Confused, absurd relief: I feel embarrassed and guilty because I am now looking forward to drinking full-lead coffee. I am relieved that I don't yet have to deal with Gestational Diabetes. Our summer plans are simplified, for this year at least. I can now clean things with bleach and paint our guest room without worrying about the fumes. Maybe, in God's grace, if we get pregnant again, Jonathan will be weaned. How can I think so quickly of these "benefits" of our loss?

Our sweet Jonathan: Wow, does he ever help us out! He is relentless -- learning to climb on furniture and us, wanting to run, wanting to go outside, read books. Thanks to him, our arms are not empty. Yet, dare I admit, I still sometimes fear that his fragile life could also be taken from us. I am human--sometimes these thoughts intrude. We are thankful for our little boy.

Was it a natural death....or a tragic accident? Initially we assumed that our baby died of natural causes, as with most miscarriages in which the baby did not develop properly. However, I've since remembered an event a few weeks ago when I changed a lightbulb in our wardrobe. (It is common for wardrobes in the tropics to have lightbulbs inside, to keep the mold away.) Here the voltage is a powerful 220, and homes often are not wired properly. This house was certainly not ever served by a certified electrician. I was on my bare knees with both hands in the cupboard, and sustained quite a shock. I felt it through my whole body and remember throbbing for a while afterward. Could this have hurt and killed our teeny tiny baby? We did some research online and were mortified to find a fair amount of literature and research on the topic -- it is a realistic possibility. Of course, we will never know for sure. We are not blaming ourselves. We are just even more sad to think that this could have caused the miscarriage.

What about God? We have prayed through this entire process, and feel God's presence and care. We DO NOT understand anything about why this happened. I'm confused about the function of prayer at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have stopped praying. We have no doubt that God has placed us here and we are in the center of His will. Best of all, we know our tiny, beloved baby is in heaven with big sister Bethany, whole and loved.

That was an outpouring of honesty. I don't expect everyone who comes to this blog to read it all, but there it is. Thank you so much for your love and prayers.

Now for something more positive...

I know this blog has been neglected for almost a month. The pregnancy made me so..... tired ....all....the.....time. Tomorrow or the next day I hope to post a cute Christmas video of Jonathan, so please check back!