It's been 5 years...Bethany Joy Patrow July 22-August 6 2008

In memory of our daughter, Bethany Joy.  We love you and miss you, Bethany!

I just updated Bethany's Caringbridge site for the last time.  Hop on over there to read our thoughts about this day..... www.caringbridge.org/visit/bethanyjoypatrow

Today Jonathan made a painting in honor of Bethany.  It has been entered into an event put on by the wonderful organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who provided so many beautiful remembrance photos of Bethany.  You can vote for Jonathan's painting!  Each vote is $1 and all proceeds go to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep!  www.drawingsfromtheheart.com

Jonathan:  "I'm making a painting for my sister Bethany in heaven."  

Remembering Bethany in October

It's October.  Most of my life, I had thought of October has being my birthday month.  However, I'm now aware that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I'm sure you didn't know that.  I sure didn't before we had a reason to know.  Prior to Bethany's death, I had rarely ever thought about what it would be like to lose a baby.  Soon afterwards, I discovered that many -- a dozen or more -- people I know and had known for years, had lost a baby and carried those scars for the rest of their lives.  As we do now.

If you are new to our blog and to our family journey, Bethany's complete story is HERE.  

We celebrated Bethany's 4th birthday on July 22.  Below is a photo of the birthday party we had for her.  Her picture.  A balloon.  A cake that said "Happy Birthday Bethany Joy." Ice cream.  Family.

Our Forever Baby turns 4!

I still get teary eyed at times when I remember our daughter.  The grief is changing though.  How amazing to look at this photo.  Her photo remains the same black-and-white image that will never be replaced with pictures of her growing up.   Our family is changing and growing -- the photo from Bethany's birthday last year did not have Joshua in it!

How does grief grow and change?  After 4 years of avoidance, I'm now thinking about getting Bethany's music CD out again....and it doesn't pain me to think of it.  In fact, I found myself singing one of those songs to Joshua the other day.  It's a sign to me that we are healing, and our boys are the greatest healing salve of all.  We are so thankful for them.  We are also thankful for Bethany's vibrant life in heaven -- I think of her as a growing girl there. 

I met a couple last year who had lost a baby to SIDS about 25 years ago.  They now say that, although the grief process was long and painful, it was one of the best things that could have happened to them, because of how God showed his graciousness to them.   I don't know if I will ever say that Bethany's death was the best thing that ever happened to me.....but I am thankful that she is safe in heaven and am confident in her security.

We still give our deepest gratitude to the wonderful organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who helped us in our time of need to provide such beautiful pictures of Bethany during her last day on earth.   These photos have been a crucial part of our healing process.  Do you know that we never held her, wire free, until her last 14 hours of life?  Yet we have dozens of professional photos of Dave and I embracing her -- just herself with none of that ugly medical equipment in the picture.  Those 14 hours were far too short, but our photos keep those memories fresh in our minds while the other less pleasant times are actually fading away to a place too deep to recall easily.

Please, if there ever comes a time in your life that you would know of a family who has just lost a baby, or has a terminally ill infant, do what you can to help them get Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep involved.  They offer this free service to anyone with this specific need and have volunteer photographers on call all throughout the United States and some other parts of the world too.  

Christmas Stockings -- Christmas Eve and Jonathan's is done!

Well, it is public now -- we are expecting Our Little Miracle #3!  We are so happy and excited!  We were hoping this would happen, but I really doubted it could since Jonathan is still a very frequent nurser, even at night.  So we feel God has given us a miracle -- Thank you Lord!

Other than some (a lot!) exhaustion, I am feeling well.  No nausea.  I am more sensitive to smells, so Jonathan's dirty diapers are now being stored in the back of the house instead of our bedroom.  I've had a little light-headedness from time to time.  I almost wish I felt more symptomatic for reassurance that the baby is getting the right hormones ....but I just have to trust God to do what is best for us.   The exhaustion reminds me that I am indeed pregnant and so I have prescribed myself to rest when I feel winded and to nap when Jonathan naps since such amazing things are happening inside and apparently the new baby needs that energy.

So, since I am Soooooooooooo tired, all of the time, my expectations of what will be accomplished for Christmas have fallen drastically........but I did finally finish Jonathan's stocking today.

In the year after Bethany died, I cross-stitched her stocking.  Somehow, filling in this simple picture, pixel-by-pixel, was so calming and so healing to me.  I needed to have her presence recognized in our home each Christmas, to proclaim to all who enter that she is an important member of our family.  As for it's function, it will not be filled with gifts for her.  Instead it will have a small gift FROM her and a few words for each member of the family.  This year, just little notes actually. 

Bethany's stocking

So now the goal is for each member of our family to have their own stitched stocking.  I don't work on this every day, but it does take me about a year to complete one project.  I already have the designs and materials for Dave and I's stockings, but haven't started on those yet.  (I have some felt to quickly throw together something for Dave and I for tomorrow, but if it doesn't happen, I guess we'll use athletic socks!)  Some of you will remember seeing me stitching away from time to time .....here is the finished product!

Jonathan's stocking -- finished in the nick of time!

Merry Christmas everybody!  We miss you and love you so much!

Bethany Joy July 22 - August 6, 2008

Remembering our firstborn with sadness and hope for the future.

Bethany Joy Patrow

July 22, 2008 - August 6, 2008

"The Lord will keep you from all harm" Psalm 121